Thoughts
by rogue empress
Summary: What both of us know, and neither of us are saying. MSR. revised!
1. Heart Burn

(UPDATE: Thank you to parmakai66 for the review, it was very helpful. I've revised and hopefully worked out a few of the kinks. It reads a little more like a script now, which makes the thoughts sound more like voiceover speaches than private feelings, which is fine with me. I'm not sure if it adds or subtracts from the atmosphere of the piece, but hopefully it makes it a little easier to follow. I may decide to just do one POV for this chapter and the other's for the next, but for now this is my quick-fix.)

Basically I was unsatisfied with it being as short as it was, and seeing as how nobody felt the need to review, I decided to stretch it out a little bit. I may or may not continue, and it's still in rough form, so any help with anything is greatly appreciated. All you need to know is that this is written in both of their points of view. Scully's thoughts are in italics, Mulder's are not, and for the most part they switch with every paragraph. Also anything spoken is in regular font. These characters do not belong to me, but this story does. Please review!

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**Scully: **_I'm pouring my thoughts into this file as though I were speaking to you from my heart. In most instances of human nature, the outward personality starkly contradicts the inner self. Those who are outwardly wild and seemingly complex are simple in spirit. Their emotions do not confuse them and therefore they are able to express them without shame or fear that they are misreading themselves. Similarly, those who are outwardly serene and confident are generally full of turmoil on the inside. That is you and I. Our anger is terrifying because it is one of the few emotions that allow us to throw aside our masks. Our love is overwhelming because of the intensity with which we feel, something that in truth is a gem in this world and should be sought after and cherished. Yet for the most part we remain alone. We are forced into strength and independence by the very tact we perfected as young children in the hope that we would be able to protect ourselves from being feared and therefore die alone. And as the years went by the outward lie began to melt into the inner truth, confusing us. Maybe I don't love you. Maybe you don't love me. Maybe we're just pretending there's something there that isn't, because we are so afraid that at this point in our lives, if we don't find it now we'll succumb to the fate most of our life's energy has been aimed at trying to avoid. All instances of love I have experienced have taught me that love and pain intermingle and eventually become the same. They have taught me that love is a tasking struggle to not overwhelm another while also trying not to starve yourself, and is something that leaves me close to insanity, and in deeper pain with every breath. That is why I'm confused. What I have with you gives me nothing but comfort, happiness, relief from my constant inner battles. Could this be what love really is? Not dramatic in any way, but startling in its simplicity? This is why I am afraid of you. I've spent all my life in the middle of chaos. I don't know how to handle something so calm. The look on your face as I look up from my file makes it impossible not to smirk. _

**Mulder: **You've noticed me staring at you as my thoughts overtook my actions. I try in vain to read the expression in your eyes, but as always I'm stumped. Having spent as much time in the field with you, I'm much better at reading your posture. But you're sitting down now and I might as well be blind for as much as I can get out of that look on your face. Have you guessed what I've been thinking? Do you feel the same way? Or am I merely the love-hungry fool I fear to be, seeing signs where they don't exist? In all other aspects of life my mind answers everything with ease. I'm smart, I'm not going to be modest about it. But when it comes to you I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the idea. One thing I know about you is that I can never predict what you're going to say.

**Scully: **"Mulder, are you alright? You look sick." _I tease you. I think I know what you've been thinking. Sometimes I wish I were as bad at hiding it as you are. Then at least some of the confusion would lift. What I wouldn't give to have the courage to tell you all that I think every day and every night. One thing I know about you is that I can always predict what you're going to say._

**Mulder:** I begin to apologize and then suddenly change my mind. "No, I'm not."

**Scully: **_Talk about a curve ball. I am too late to mask the apprehension in my face. _"What's wrong?"

**Mulder: **I've opened a metaphorical file neither of us are qualified to handle. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. Not this casually after an entire morning of pained silence, and especially not with you all the way on the other side of the room. "Nevermind, Scully, I just got a little stomach thing." I say lamely, pretty certain you can see straight through me.

**Scully:**_ I put down my lunch with perfected suspicion, diverting attention away from the carnival going on in the air between us._ "What kind of stomach thing?" _You smile. Dear God that childish spark in your eyes makes the breath catch in my lungs. And then what you say next is nothing short of complete torture._

**Mulder:** "Just a little heart burn," I say pointedly. Why am I such a pussy? What good is being clever when you're the only one who knows about it?

**Scully:**_ Why am I such a coward?_ "Yeah," _I say, being sure to look you directly in the eye. _"Me too."

_It's all the courage I have for the day. I return to my file._


	2. Knowledge

because i just can't seem to stop.

please review, i have a very fragile sense of confidence.

none of these characters are mine, but the story is.

Later that day...

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**Mulder: **It's days like these that make me question why I even bother coming in to work. There are no cases to solve. We're sitting around reading over old files to keep them fresh in our memory for cross-referencing. More than that, though, is the utter hell I'm in with nothing to distract me from you. I don't see how I could possibly be an asset to the FBI when the only task I seem capable of is drooling. 

**Scully: **_I'm shamelessly watching the clock on my computer. Making the FBI pay me for lusting after Mulder feels a bit like stealing, and makes me even more tense. I wish someone would ask me for an autopsy just to give me something to do. My prayers may have been answered as Skinner knocks and walks into the room._

**Mulder: **Skinner comes in, casual as ever, and then gets this stricken look on his face and steps back into the threshold. I can't possibly imagine what that's about. Maybe Scully smells bad. I personally think just the opposite, but then again in the state I'm in I'm not sure I can call anything I think fact when it comes to her.

**Scully:** _Skinner seems to have walked squarely into the 800lb gorilla in the room, and is now fumbling for courage. I'm trying very hard not to smile._

"You two - uh" He stammers. "You can, um..." He swallows and tells the floor, "you can go home."

**Mulder: **I allow myself to smile, but only slightly. "Thank you, sir." I catch your eye as you rise from your chair and begin putting your file back together. I can see that you're trying to keep from laughing. The relief in your stance to be leaving, however, for reasons unknown to me, hurts my feelings a little.

**Scully:** _Thank God. I thought I might drown. Your eyes lock on to mine for an instant and I have to quickly busy myself before I start blushing like a high school girl. This whole situation is so painful it's beginning to brink on physical comedy for me. I don't know anymore what I'm trying not to smile at. We're heading for the elevator, still unable to speak to each other when I glance up at you and catch your eye for little longer than a moment. You look guilty, like a school kid caught red-handed in the teacher's desk. I did that to you. I confused you and made you think that you should be ashamed of your feelings. And considering you're Fox Mulder, essentially what I did was make you think you should be ashamed of who you are. Suddenly nothing else matters but righting that wrong._

**Mulder:** I wish you wouldn't look at me that way. Even for an instant. I can't hide from you like I can from everyone else. I hate that. When the elevator doors open I watch you step in, and briefly consider taking the stairs. You've got a new confidence about you that I don't know what to do with. All I can think is to run.

**Scully:**_ Jesus you're going to take the stairs. Not now. Not when I finally have the courage and the opportunity at the same time. This chance will not repeat itself very soon, that I can be sure of._ "Mulder, where are you going?"

**Mulder:** For an instant you look so frightened, so vulnerable, but then you quickly cover it up with a hint of sarcasm, smirking and putting the arm you had stretched out to me on the elevator button. I step into the elevator with you. Once the doors have closed and we're going up, I begin a long stream of what can only be described as a freakish compulsion to hear words form in my mouth.

**Scully:**_ You're trying to make conversation but I'm not paying attention. It's all just nervous behavior, and to be frank we're nearing our floor and I'm running out of time. Let's cut the crap._

"Kiss me, Mulder."

**Mulder:** Wait, what just happened? "I'm sorry, I was talking and couldn't hear you. I thought you said 'kiss me' or something." Surely this is just a terrible trick my mind is pulling on me.

**Scully:** "I did." _I'm facing you now with no restrictions and no shame. I'm not even blinking. I'm just waiting._

**Mulder:** "Scully, are you feeling alright?"

**Scully:** _Damn you for stalling. I drop my hold on your eyes for just enough time to punch the emergency stop button, and then I return to you, calm and determined._

**Mulder:** What the hell is going on? Is this some kind of sick joke? Are you testing me? This is so unlike you, it's scarier than anything. "Scully, honestly you're starting to freak me out." But what you say next snaps me out of my paranoia.

**Scully:** "Don't play stupid, Mulder."

**Mulder:** So you do know after all.

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End file.
